Final post

It's day 91 and there are peppermint patty and pb cup wrappers strewn all over my apt.  ....PSYCH! In all fairness, with me that's totally possible. :P Heck, on the day I met Brett (team running rats, who told me about the pcp), I offered him pork rinds and pringles at 9AM. When he said no, I just figured PRP wasn't everybody's idea of breakfast. Little did I know. I'm sure he was probably disgusted.

So post pcp life begins. The funny thing is that you would've thought someone like me would go out boozing and eating fried foods and tons of chocolate after the final workout. Instead I went to bikram, hit the grocery store (zucchini, yogurt, seltzer water, pears, oranges, grapes, apples, lemon, avocados),  went home and took pics. Damnit camera batteries died before I could take a pic of me in fat pants or jeans.

On post-pcp day1, I went to see the doctor to make sure my earache wasn't more serious (just a sinus infection but ear hurt like a mofo), came home steamed some zucchini and ate some toast with yogurt. Feels weird not to squint at the scale but also extremely liberating. I also prepped some broccoli for roasting. Might as well take advantage of being home sick.  This is not to say that I won't be eating fun again but right now that's not what my body needs. LKR. I've got pizza plans on Friday and a friend's birthday on Saturday.


Things I learned:
1) I like eating and "cooking" well. I always liked veggies but who knew I could enjoy any protein that I prepared. I'm still amazed by how little time it takes to prepare your own food and how much you can enjoy it. No more frozen dinners, even the healthy ones are processed and filled with crap. In fact, I'm saying sayonara to most processed stuff except for a couple indulgences from time to time. :P

2) If  I don't eat crap, I'm don't feel tired during the day. I used to eat to stay awake at my desk. It was typically junk food. The sugar would be a temporary fix before I crashed again. Same was true for game days. Even on days that I clocked fewer than five hours of sleep, I didn't feel sleepy cause my body wasn't wasting energy processing bad stuff. I love the farmer's market. I had no idea farm fresh eggs, fresh produce, nice baked bread could make me sooooooo happy.

3) Who knew alcohol doesn't have to be coping strategy No. 1 to deal with stress and problems? I really thought I'd miss cider and wine more but it was shockingly easy to be sober.

4) I love being given a name and trying to live up to it. First, it was Sam's name for me - hot and strong and then being a BADASS.

5) I love being part of a REAL team. I can be super hokey so please indulge me since I just finished a life-changing experience. I've played mostly teams sports all my life and it's been a LONG time since I've been on a time with true support where one person's success didn't diminish someone else's.

None of this would've been possible without team Badass. I've tried diets and exercise regimens before and most have failed. Either because my partner wasn't similarly motivated or I was doing it alone. I needed Haley, Louise, Sarah, Ilan and Will every step of the way for cheerleading, sympathy, arse-kicking, forgiveness, cajoling and inspiration. I heart you guys and to the other PCP alums, particularly Team Sexaaaaay, I would've never reached 90 days without y'all.


Speaking of inspiration, here are my motivational phrases for working out/sticking to the diet in no particular order

1) WWSD - what would sarah do
2) There I said it, now I have to do it
3) The world will not run out of ice cream and chocolate in 90 days.
4) Gotta treat the body w/LKR (love kindness respect)

Stats
Others like to track inches lost, body fat reduction, dress sizes, etc. Me? I take stock a little differently. Disclaimer: this list doesn't include the numerous jump rope lashings, resistance band snaps into my chest/back, weird muscle tweaks or trips off the reservation.


PPCP days - nailing every rep/gram
3



Ridiculous pcp inflicted "injuries":

1) Eating dookie powder 
2) lactose intolerance night spent bonding with the porcelain goddess
3) mixing up cayenne powder with cinnamon in my greek yogurt. blech.
4) Burned fingers on burner after transferring hardboiled eggs. I dunno what possessed me to touch the burner w/my bare hand to see if it was still warm. I had just removed the pot. Of course, it's hot! 

Avoid injuries or potentially humiliating behavior by getting your eight hours of sleep y'all!

Recent stranger compliments - prolly forgetting a few

"You have more definition in your arms than I do" - pretty fit guy working at the gym
"You go on girl" - old dude whizzing by on bike when I was waiting at crosswalk.


Ok, here's a "real" stat. Day 1 -145 pounds Day 90 - 131.5

Confession time (again): I reported my starting weight to Patrick as 143 (64.7kg) but really it was 145 (65.6kg). It was only a few pounds more but I was mortified that I let it get up that high especially since I had been holding steady at 143 for a decade. Even though he wasn't judging (at least I hope not), I was embarrassed by that number. BTW, for the first time since I was 16, I no longer live a lie. The weight on my drivers license (130) hasn't been updated in years. Feels good to be honest now. My low was 129.5 on day and I've been holding steady at the 131-133 range the last few weeks. But the pics tell it all. Ta-dah!

d90-post workout

done. d-d-d-one, d-d-d-done, done, done. la-la-la-la.

Did the workout during lunch. It didn't take much time and I'm stronger but there are still things that wind me. Per Patrick's instructions, I kept the diet until I finished the last workout. Now, I'm munching cookies (two) that a friend made as a belated birthday present. She left them at my desk this morning. No better way to celebrate! And it was a treat that's homemade, even if I didn't make it. :P It's weird to not have restrictions. I was admiring my breakfast and lunch and thinking how much I loved the food I got to know on the pcp. But I was really stoked to do the last dishes associated with the pcp. No more have-tos for awhile! Oh, except for final post and pics. well, ok, almost done.

p.s. a friend emailed me out of the blue and asked if i wanted to do p90x. HA! i told her to check out my pcp blog and pics.

d90 - HELLZ YEEAAAAAAAAAAH

ALL. FUCKING. DONE. You read right. I did the entire gruesome workout. Patrick wanted to make the last one a doozy. And that he did. Floor jumps on a pulsating left quad and all. I didn't think I was gonna get through it during the first triple exercise superset. Brain going "uh-oh, you're too tired. You're coughing up bloody phelgm. You can slack off." (Sorry if that was TMI.)

It's been said before but we probably put up way more psychological road blocks than actual physical ones exist. Had to tell the feeble brain to shut it. The best part came when I was getting my ID and the dude at the gym asked "Why do you need the assisted pull-up machine? You have more definition in your arms than I do." He might've been flirting with me but it's still nice to get that recognition. Endorphins + feeling strong = addiction I want forever. Will post pics of day 90 tomorrow. GOOOOOOOOOO Team BADASS!!!!!

d89 - nearly there but not quite

Don't rush us pcp web site! Team Badass still has 1.5 days left.  I got a congratulatory email from a friend who saw the site. She asked what I had learned and if any of it will stick. I'm not ready to answer that yet. I'm too busy having a pity party this morning. Everything hurts. My back, my arms, my leg, my throat. I feel like doo-doo. Throat swollen and coughing up nastiness. I suspect this was from being in the rain yesterday morning at the tournament w/o being properly attired. Team Badass, I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through today's workout. It looks ridonkulous and my body appears to be on shutdown mode. I barely dragged self into work and I have no appetite. Obviously, I didn't jump rope this morning.  I don't want to finish the pcp with a whimper but whimpering is just about all I can manage right now. Did I mention that my left quad muscle involuntarily pulsates? It's really strange. I suspect it's cause that's the leg I favor when I land from hitting the ball. The weather in DC don't help either. It is grey, muggy and generally disgusting today. Oh how I heart this city.

d88 - WIPED. OUT.

Short post since eyes are closing quickly. Proud to say I did today's workout after the tournament. Did every fucking plank, v-sit AND 8min abs. Who's BADASS now?

I did skip jump rope since I had been jumping all damn day long on the court. That should suffice right Patrick? My partner and I made playoffs. We are a notoriously slow starting pair and every game (7 total) began with us in an 0-4, 0-5 or 0-6 hole to climb out of. We played old school rules where you have to serve to earn a point and we were not at all efficient about that. I did lots of sprints today chasing down balls as ball control was a bit lacking. All this to say that I am fucking tired. Back and legs are begging for mercy. Have earned my sleep fo sheeeze and gonna get on that now.

d87/88 - tired but heckuva day

Nothing like a monster victory by UCLA to inspire me to work my ass off during today's workout. Gawd, I loved that the Bruins put the hurt on No. 7 Texas. SWEETNESS. Legs, shoulders and abs put the hurt on me though. btw, having football on while jumping rope is perfect for the Mu Shin.

Did I mention I'm playing the last vball tournament of  the season tomorrow (today)? Thought about skipping the legs part to save self but then realized this is the last official pcp-leg workout so I sucked it up. I probably screwed myself for tomorrow but oh well. Gotta finish strong! I'll be curious to see how I manage the workout tomorrow after balling all day. I imagine there might be a lot of bawling moments in tomorrow's post.

d86 - thank goodness

This is a quick post to express my gratitude for the pcp. Today was a crapola work day. Luckily this did not carry over to the workout. Hooray for supersets? I know, sounds insane but a really intense, burning workout was what I needed. It made me feel BADASS and in control when other elements of my life are SUCKASS.

d85/T-5: grocery basket

I wish I could find the pic I took of a previous grocery basket pre-pcp. It had two cartons of breyer's mint choc chip ice cream (on sale!), cheddar jalapeno cheetoes, biscoff cookies, mint milanos, orangina, cheese and some veggies. I sent the pic to a friend who wrote back - "par for the course." If only he could see me now. I'm really proud of what was in the basket today but there is the fear that it'll end up looking like Grace foods from before. The total cost of the bill ($26.10)  amazed me since I used to spend double and have nothing to eat.

Unlike the other members of team BADASS who are pretty confident bout sticking to the diet part of the pcp, I'm not sure I'll be able to sustain it. Old habits die hard and I could see myself falling back into the old mindsets (1) as long as I eat veggies, I can have sugar or (2) I workout so I can eat what I want (true but not really since processed foods really fuck up your system). Plus, I like good food AND body-polluting stuff too. Not sure that will ever change.

Loads of my favorite snacks were on sale. I briefly considered getting them so I could pop em open on day 1 post-pcp. (Yes, already thinking about freedom after day 90 aka the-return-of-my-life.) I decided I couldn't handle the temptation during these last five days. Haley's right. Best not to have them in the cupboard for now. I actually cleaned mine out a few days ago when I was getting my monster pot down to make chicken stew. I found pb cups, super old, stale cherry m&ms, hichews, microwave popcorn, mint choc kitkats,  break-your-teeth-hard percy-pigs, and strawberry mentos. All of it in the garbage. Some I felt bad about but mostly it felt good to purge.

sarah and haley, just jump rope and 8 min abs alone releases endorphins and make me feel accomplished workout wise. I know we can all do 20 min a day. Plus, don't you find it addicting to feel strong? :P That being said, Sarah's right cause it's sooo hard to get going sometimes but I'm always glad I did. I'm sure it's the endorphins talking but who cares.

d84/T-6 random shiat

Funny text from my friend Sam: "I feel like you would know this: how do I strengthen my ass?" I'm flattered and pleased that I would be her go-to on this matter. :P

Speaking of butts, my jeans-the most expensive item of clothing I own- don't fit. This sucks. My friend peer pressured me into buying at the outlets in Switzerland cause I think it's obscene to spend that much on one thing yet I did. They have a mirror on the butt and fit me awesomely for two months five years ago. Since then I haven't been able to wear them comfortably EVER. They were a lay-down-in-bed, suck-it-in, hope-the-zipper-comes-up-before-gotta-breathe pair o pants, but damn they looked good.

I've probably worn them ten times in five years so I was really stoked to put them on last Saturday. They don't fit like they used to in the thighs and now they're so low cut they're obscene. I'm confused but not really. I dropped some weight in the beginning of grad school. It was rather unhealthy weight loss spurred by school stress, excessive drinking to cope w/stress and skipping of dinners. I'd like to pretend it was that I ate far fewer preservative-laden foods in Italy but I'm sure it was the alcohol. My boss said when you drop weight, you never lose it from the same place. I didn't believe her. She moded me.

A little worried about post-pcp life. Not worried about the exercise part but that damn diet will ALWAYS be a challenge. I loved my dinner last night. I went back to an old fave - arugula (rocket for you louise :P), tomato, tuna, cilantro salad with splash of olive oil and pour of balsamic. The problem is the stupid sweet tooth. I didn't have my usual yogurt w/cinnamon for dessert cause the tummy not feeling too spectacular so steering clear of milk products.

Oh gawd, I wanted cake or chocolate or anything sweet that wasn't fruit. Eating sugar leads to eating salt then more sugar then repeat. I know when winter rolls around, it's gonna be me parked on the couch and eating, watching tv, maybe w/a workout or two thrown in. 

I'm not confident that I've figured out a way to manage the sugar binges. Gonna try to only eat sugars on days that start w/"S" but Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas in an office and avoiding the parade of holiday treats will be difficult. Yesterday was international peace day and there was leftover cake from the celebration. I purposely didn't go to the party but my colleague came back with a huge platter of leftover slices and literally waved it under my nose. How I wish I had sneezed all over them. I really LOVE super sugary sheet cake with frosting.

I have a mini super soaker I squirt Micio with whenever he's bad. Scratching the furniture is one squirt. Biting me and drawing blood means a full on chase through my studio and multiple squirts until the hand gun is empty. I wish someone would do the same to me when a binge starts or I've exceeded the number of sugary things I can have in a day. Kim's comment about allowing yourself a treat but only if you make them sounds like a great idea. But not sure how feasible it is for someone lazy and lacking in discipline like moi. 

Am bitter that jump rope broke with only six days to go. Lost the little plastic bit that kept the handle connected to the rope so no chance of repair. Any recommendations for a new one? This one's gonna be a keeper and not plastic like the dead one. I'm thinking bout one of those nicer leather ones that whip through the air faster. 

homework

I checked out Gold's Gym today. I was doing "homework" but was also suckered by the sign outside that says workout for $5 a week. The deal is only good for students but by the time you find that out, you've already entered and can't just leave without talking to someone. There are two other gyms on my way home from work but no one else had the $5/week sign.

Gym was ok. I didn't like the schmoozy guy answering calls and scanning IDs. Lots of levels and machines. It was pretty packed with loads of people working out during the post-work rush. I wouldn't say people looked exceptionally unhappy but they didn't look like they were having a good time either. Certainly no one riding an air bike with toes pointed in, then out or arms flailing about. :P Sadly, no one commented about my physique. I'm going to attribute that to me being in work clothes and carrying a couple of grocery bags. Or it could be that the type-A folks in DC were too self involved to notice someone walking around juggling grocery bags.

Maybe it was the gym I chose or my level of fitness but the "membership adviser" didn't bullsh*t me and didn't spend a lot of time trying to talk me into anything. He was actually trying to get me that "student" deal and offered advice on how to get around the automatic deduction from my credit card. (I told him I was a commitment phobe and had been burned before when I had canceled memberships and it took months for the billing company to stop automatic deducting. All true.) He asked what other gyms I had checked out and I named a few in the area where I had bought a one month pass for cheap to pullups, chest dips, kung-fu situps, etc.

So no ego or energy boost. If I have time, I'll hit up another gym. Not sure these were the results you were looking for Patrick. Maybe I was too tired to feel smug that with my wee little jump rope and resistance band, I've gotten pretty darn good results compared to a gym full o machines.

day 80-82: indulgence report and more

I'd love to be able to say that eating fried chicken and waffles made me feel disgusting and bloated or that it was a gut bomb but it didn't/wasn't. Damn, fried chicken be good. And the pecan butter and syrup for the waffles tasted heavenly. Maybe my stomach is too used to crap so even though it has gone without for 79 days, the tummy didn't have the reaction I expected. Fried chicken used to be at least once every two weeks meal. Ditto McDonald's. Now, I've finally got it through my thick skull that it can only be a once-in-awhile meal cause I love my new pcp body too much to pollute it on a constant basis. 

Here's another pic that shows one of numerous pcp-related changes. (Cue Sheryl Crow's song - "A Change Would Do You Good"). My trash can at work used to tell a wonderful daily story. One of my managers once said she'd peek into it at the 

end of the day just to see what interesting stuff I had eaten. The rubbish used to be pretty colorful with 

assorted candy/cookie wrappers, empty cheddar jalapeno cheetoes bags,  breakfast sammiches and lunchtime eats, etc. Now, it's pretty sad but in a good way. Only an orange peel and an empty cup from Dunkin Donuts. 

Nothing else new to report. Still congested and sounding frog like but I feel well enough to be hardcore about my exercises. I think Sarah is insane for looking forward to supersets. But that's probably why her biceps are eye-popping and mine you have to squint to see. 

day 79 - Hellooooo breakthrough and indulgence!

It's been a rough couple of days. I haven't slept much. My cold might have morphed into awful allergies. Sore throat is gone but I had to sleep sitting up last night cause the congestion and sinus pressure were so bad. I'm proud to say that I did most of the workouts the last two days. Only skipped the shoulder fly after two sets when the resistance band flew from the door jam into my chest. Decided oh eff-it and lemme just go to situps already before I give up completely.

I had my performance review today. It wasn't bad. No actual substantive criticisms about my work. The thing that bothers me was that the things I need to work on are cosmetic and fixable - punctuality, no big shocker there. But I'm frustrated by how expendable I feel. Getting dinged for stuff that's not that important (at least in my mind) annoys me. Oh well. Gotta change the inner dialogue.

Here's the breakthough part: I spent some time venting to someone important in my life. He botched some meaningless details which snowballed into a bigger fight. His inability to remember reminds me of how irrelevant I am to him. It's not rational by any means but he always claims to forget stuff with everyone, which is mostly true. BUT, I have seen him retain info when it's important to him so there's a couple of HUGE holes in his argument. I wasn't setting him up for failure but some awful stuff happened to me a couple years ago that he SHOULD'VE remembered. I'm not talking bout naming a specific month or day and was crushed when he couldn't spit out a date within range (+/- 2 years is doable, c'mon it's not that hard!) of a significant event in my life.

After we hung up the phone, I had a very clear thought of a) I desperately want a drink and b) I need to eat something sugary. No dice on the prosecco cause opening the bottle means drinking the whole thing. The bottle in my fridge has a PCP finish tag on it. Considered eating a piece of chocolate. I still had half a bar left in cabinet from that awful binge last month. I had been saving to give it to a friend since she wanted to try 86% cacao. I reached the top shelf for it and then a voice popped into my head - "Giving into emotional eating is like saying that if I don't eat something to cope, I will be destroyed by that emotion." I REALLY HATE when emotions get the best of me or I feel I can't get a handle on how to deal. I also hate feeling like I'd be giving into the thing that many women get labeled with when they're upset - "Oh, you're just too emotional."

I decided I would be stronger than my feelings of anger/frustration/sadness. I'm not going to use food to cope. I think Tara either blogged or commented about it when I was bingeing? I made a clear, conscious decision to be bigger than a lame square of chocolate. I ate my evening apple instead and then my dinner.

Saturday is indulgence! I had this planned for ages. Ever since I saw Ted Allen name Art Smith's fried chicken as the BEST he EVER ATE, I had been dying to try it. Once I calculated that indulgence No. 3 would be near my birthday, I decided it was a fitting way to celebrate. They only serve fried chicken on the weekends so sorry Patrick, it didn't happen before day 80. I'll report back!

Have a great weekend y'all!

day 78 - an oldie but goodie

I feel wretched. Sore throat with huge lump making it difficult to swallow. I sat up in bed this morning and my nose immediately started leaking. AWESOME. I didn't hear my alarm this morning since phone was acting up so no AM workout. I have zero desire to exercise when I get home but we are T-12 days from finish. 

To borrow from Ilan, I had a "glitch" last night. Ate two peppermint patties. I was feeling pretty yucky and after eight cups of tea, I wanted comfort. Ugh.. I am going to try my darndest to make these next 12 days PPCPD. Every gram, every rep (or at least until I reach failure). So to reach for an oldie, but goodie - there I said it, now I have to do it. 

day 77 - not feeling so hawt

I don't think it's entirely coincidental that it's my first day back at work and I'm not feeling too peachy. I was a bit sneezy in the office and around 4pm, my throat got super scratchy. I didn't get enough sleep last night but I think being fairly hardcore during week ten might have taken its toll on the body. Thank goodness today is only jump rope. Was gonna go to yoga but now am skipping bikram to rest and grocery shop. Gotta LKR the bod.

Fellow females of Team BADASS, got a question for y'all. Last month, I had the P-M-S but no M. I figured it was stress but just realized that I'm beyond late and it's not cause I'm getting "busy". Anyone else missing the "M" cycle?

day 76 - finally making good

Every year on my burfday I try to pick one new skill to learn/hone by my next birthday. It could be a language, a sport, just anything that keeps me striving toward something and learning. It's amazing how complacent you can become after you finish school. Birthdays are a great way to take stock. My apartment is littered with remnants of previous skills that I did not develop: sign language for dummies book, boxing gloves for muay thai, mah jong set for all the parties I'd host. . .

Thanks to the pcp, I actually did master something new this year. I learned how to feed myself more healthfully and to treat my body with LKR (love, kindness and respect-thanks Jenny for the acronym!). Who knew I could go this long (mostly) without eating processed foods and not die? I always liked exercise but now I feel I'm getting the nutrition part down. It really doesn't take THAT much time to grocery shop and have fresh fruit and veggies in the house. No more excuses in that realm.

Side note: I deserve mad props for not emotional eating last night. My old bedroom is the only place that isn't a full-blown disaster. As I mentioned previously, mom is a hoarder. As I was packing I discovered a box of papers in my old bedroom with the words DISPOSE and 1998 on the side. That's funny, I don't keep crap. I opened it and found homework papers of a girl I had never heard of and a high school commencement program for a school I did not attend. WTF?!??! Keep in mind, Mom is a retired accountant, not a teacher so no earthly reason for old school work to exist in the house.

Me: Mom, who is Tracy Wang and why do you have her old high school papers?
Mom: Those belonged to the daughter of Nancy, an old tenant. They wanted to throw them out when they moved but I brought them home.
Me: You brought home old papers of total strangers? Our house doesn't have enough paper? Junk? Books?
Mom: I kept her homework in case I had time one day to look through it and learn.
Me: Are you joking? You're insane. Who brings home other people's garbage??!?!?! She flunked a test for C++, a computer language that you'll NEVER learn.
Mom: I didn't have time to go through everything. Don't monitor/control me. It's not your business.

I have sustained numerous scratches and other injuries in the week that I've been home simply cause there are no pathways in the house. Losing blood didn't send me over the edge but that damn box did. I was so close to chowing on the mini dark chocolate raspberry cake my stepdad got me for my birthday. He meant well but I've told him 1,000 times that I'm not eating crap for the rest of this month. Not that he remembers anything with the dementia he denies. Anyways, long story short - cake still in the fridge. They'll be eating it in honor of me. Happy Eff-ing Birthday grace.

day 72-73 - holy muscle burn Batman!

Is it possible to feel simultaneously like a badass and a wuss? I was doing my elevated pushups in a dance studio room of the YMCA and totally checking myself out in the floor-to-ceiling mirror. I looked/felt like GI Jane. Super hardcore Grace, grunting/breathing it out. And then failure hit in the third set at rep 5 or something equally wussy. I kinda face planted onto the floor and my reflection in the mirror, not pretty.

Workouts this PCP week have KILLED. Failure, as Patrick has informed us, is painful! But damn I feel good after. My whole upper body this morning felt blasted. I could barely lift my arms to wash my hair. A fit friend of mine did day 71 workout with me and he's still feeling it. Hee, hee, I feel a little smug just cause I'm mostly sore initially and then okay for the most part the next day. :P

Maybe it's because I'm on vacation in CA but the pcp components of life have been relatively easy/stress free. It's so good to workout with someone who can correct your form, offer assistance and push you further than what you perceive failure to be. Plus, I'm also grateful Patrick brought back the protein element of dinner while I'm in CA. Sushi here is soooo good and fresh. I had to shrug off the funny looks the chefs shot me when I weighed out the pieces of sashimi. But other than that, waiters/waitresses don't blink when I order steamed veggies with zero salt/butter/oil. I'm gonna guess that a lot of folks in LA are pretty diet conscious.

I have new pics that I'll post when I get back to DC. Apparently, I didn't travel with the camera-t0-computer chord. Sadly, these pics aren't at the beach like I planned. The beach was freezing. I dipped ONE toe in the ocean and squealed like a little girl from the cold. No bikini shots here.

The volleyball tournament in Boston went well. We got 2nd. We should have won. We were in the winner's bracket of the double elimination tournament. The other team had to win four games in a row to take the whole shebang and they did. I couldn't really gauge the pcp impact on my game since I didn't see as much court time as before.

I probably won't be posting again until I go back to the East Coast. Mom's computer connection and the general mayhem of the home (she's a hoarder and my stepdad might be dealing with the beginnings of dementia) limits the amount of time I have to sit down and write a coherent sentence.

p.s. Thanks for the concern y'all. And no, I'm not writing from the depths of an enormous vat of chocolate. I thought about it though after my mom, whom I saw in April when I was at my chunkiest, said she didn't really see a difference in me. This, from a woman who notices everything and feels it's her right/duty to comment. THANKS mom! She's 73 and still restricting her food intake. I sort of admire her self-control but when (if?) I get to that age, you can bet I won't be saying no to that additional bowl of noodles if I'm spending three hours at the gym everyday.

day 64 - a-ha?

This may be hard to believe but once upon a time, I didn't ALWAYS cope with stress by eating. In fact, sometimes I actually had zero appetite and would do other stuff like go for a run or pick up the phone and talk a friend's ear off. Emotional eating seems especially pronounced during the pcp. The more I'm told I can't have/do something, the more I go to the opposite extreme, often to my own detriment. 

A couple months ago, I had costochondritis - inflammation of a rib or the cartilage connecting a rib. It hurt to walk, sleep, everything. I thought I was developing some crazy heart condition related to stress. The doctor did a simple test, prescribed vicodin said no exercise for six weeks and no HOT yoga to get the swelling down. At the time, my friend Wendy and I had a bet going to keep each other accountable for healthier eating and exercise. She said that since I couldn't exercise, I had to reduce my calories. Oof. I was so miserable being immobile that even if I didn't want to eat junk, I did it anyway cause of that added restriction. I only get 1500 calories a day? Fine, I'll show you and eat the whole package of Chips Ahoy and all of its 1440 calories. It was a bad couple of weeks. 

It's not the same thing but food becomes the ONLY outlet when I can't do physical stuff. These days, between pcp exercises, bikram three times a week and volleyball on the weekends, I'm too spent to use a physical outlet to cope with stress. I was thinking about all this last night cause it really bothered me that I had become such a frequent binger. Some of this was triggered by seeing the new diets and noticing that more carbs were taken away. Obviously, I haven't progressed enough to have food added back in (or maybe Patrick is accounting for all the extra non-pcp compliant binging?) but I keep hoping.  

I'll be MIA for the weekend but will try to check back on Tuesday. Hopefully with good news to report. The tournament will be a good way to compare the effects of the pcp. In July, we were less than three weeks in. I'm hoping I'm stronger, faster, jumping higher, etc to retain my starting position the whole time. Wish me luck!

day 59-62: moments of badass and not so much

Lame/badass Sunday -

I'm going to start with the good in the vain hope that y'all won't read through to the bad. My friend Sam is training for a marathon. I've agreed to run with her part time during her long runs. So in addition to playing volleyball and going to bikram, I've added running to the mix. Am I insane? Possibly. But there are moments when it makes me feel like a badass. 

Sunday night was one of them. While she ran, I worked out chez moi. Sam came to my apt on mile 7. We ran miles 7-10 to the park so I could do my pullups and kung-fu situps which I didn't get to do in NY. It was dark when we were truckin it up the hill and by the time we got to the fitness bars you couldn't see two inches in front of you. No matter. The pullup bar does not require one to see it to use it. When we finished our respective exercises, we felt pretty hard core. There were black stains on my hands from the workout gloves and my back was covered in dirt. Our sweat glowed in the moonlight as we fought off thoughts of possible crazies lurking in the trees. Our endorphins were kicking so we felt pretty invincible, especially me since I had done extra exercise.

In the interest of full disclosure, here are my less badass moments. In fact, they were downright awful and I wasn't going to mention them since they embarrass me to no end, especially if we're supposed to step up and set the example for the cohorts of pcpers behind us. I felt pretty virtuous exercise wise on Sunday but the diet got me, again. 

I was decompressing from the weekend and watching Entourage. Bad thoughts crept into my head about chocolate. If I have a few squares, it's better to do it on the weekend and start clean on Monday. I wasn't emotional eating. I had spent a great weekend with friends in NY. I wasn't tired. I'm really not sure what happened but eight squares of Ghiradelli's Twilight Delight later and damage was done. I didn't fall asleep until 6am that night/morning and thought maybe it was guilt. Later, I realized that my body a)wasn't used to that much sugar and b) 72% cacao has a TON OF caffeine in it. 

manic monday

I was a wreck on Monday but was doing ok diet wise until 4pm. It wasn't the usual midafternoon crash that stems from eating bad food. The lack of sleep, an irritating project and my coworker rifling through my drawer for chocolate (if she's going to eat my chocolate, why shouldn't I?) did me in. I had brought all my home chocolate into the office so I wouldn't have to toss it out but also wouldn't have easy access either. Big mistake. Four big peppermint patties and a peanut butter twix later, I was planning my evening around some ch-eating and Top Chef. When I got home, I had actually heated the frozen spinach lasagne and was  bout to plop on the couch when my friend texted that he was playing volleyball in the field behind my apt building. That was a huge saving grace (haha) since who knows what I would've eaten after. I tossed the lasagne, jetted out and had a darn good time playing ball. Sure, it delayed my workout, which I barely struggled through, but it did prevent another episode of psychotic eating. 

All the chocolate eating on Monday afternoon was so disappointing for a couple of reasons. We only have 30 days left and I want to make the best of them. I had made it pretty much to the home stretch on Monday without ch-eating but just gave up at the end. And I was mindful all day of what Tara had written in her post that reaching for food to handle emotions sends the message to yourself that you'll be destroyed by emotions unless you eat something. I didn't want to do it but I did it anyway.  

This is TMI but I've had pms for two weeks now and it is driving me up the wall. Emotions run amuck during the rollercoaster days of pcp, so a fortnight of pms is super fun. Seeing as how I have no significant other and am not getting busy, there's no actual reason for the hunt for red october. My body seems confused. 

Tuesday

After working out this morning and clocking 7 hours of sleep, I feel AMAZING. New York was fantastic but it threw off my pcp routine. Even though I did the exercises, my diet/routine was thrown off. I actually feel ok going into this weekend (this might change, stay tuned!) and ready to battle/do the explanations of why I'm eating differently than everyone at the tournament. There is a team dinner Saturday night and the tournament banquet on Sunday. I'm going to try to just eat the veggies at both. Stupid baggage fees mean limited space. I'm only packing breakfast and dinners (provided they're still apple/egg white) and will try to be as pcp compliant as possible for lunch during the day. There I said it, now I have to do it. 

I feel ready to rock the last 28 days. I have the energy to remind myself that the world will not run out of junk food in the next four weeks. Plus, I have unmet goals and eating crap won't get me there. If you have a toothache from reading the last couple paragraphs, sorry!

day 58 - feeling it

Quick update - My arms were BURNING today. Holy moly! There's been aches and failure but today there was definite burn. 

Off to NY for the weekend to visit a friend who's stateside for the first time in awhile. Man, I am dreading next week when I have to pack for the Boston volleyball tournament. I'm only gone two days and getting food squared away was A LOT of work. Louise, I don't know how you manage all the travel. You truly are a STAR!

Nearly had a perfect pcp day yesterday but only clocked in six hours of sleep. Patrick, does it count if we nail the exercises and the diet but fall short on the zzz's? 

Has anyone else experienced back pain related to the leg exercises? I know that sounds weird but when I was stretching in bikram it felt like a massive lump on the lower left side of my back. Since yesterday wasn't a back day, my guess is that the leg workouts triggered the pain. It's probably nothing and my body just being lopsided but still. 

Sorry for the scatteredness of this post. Mind is all over the place and can't focus. 

Have an awesome weekend y'all!

day 56 - chi ku

I did not have my 2nd ppcp day. BUT there was a breakthrough. I had a wicked fight with my mom over nothing (as usual) and she hung up on me. But before I heard the dial tone, the conversation ended with her saying you're just not willing to "chi ku," (eat bitterness), meaning I was being a baby and not a martyr like her.

The details are too dumb to get into but usually I spend hours being angry/sad/bitter about our complicated relationship. And then I eat. A LOT. I did shovel some food but it was my evening veggie snack (which I was going to skip since I was tired). I didn't weigh it out which makes it not the perfect pcp day but eating a bowl full of broccoli and mushrooms is 10,000 times better than previous standard of two trays of Timtams, peanut butter cups or whatever else I could get my hands on.

I'm actually a little surprised that I went this route since my friend had given me special kitkats from Japan. I purposely buried them deep in the top cabinet and not easily accessible without getting a chair. In the end, I figured lazyness would win out. My tupperware full of pre-steamed veggies was the quickest, easiest option for emotional eating. I'm not proud that food is still an emotional crutch but I'm making better choices. So Louise, you can still catch up! We can be tied 1-1 in ppcp days. :P

day 55 - gunning for ppcp day 2

New pics are up. I couldn't be bothered last week when I was in meltdown mode. I don't really have the hang of the ab-pack pose or maybe I just don't have the pack. Either way, I don't see much of a difference which makes me a bit fearful that M&Ms will rear their ugly effect in next week's photos. Oh well. 

Had perfect pcp day yesterday AND went to yoga. Am feeling a wee bit proud but will try not to be too smug since arse-kickings are usually right around the corner. Going for two in a row. There I said it, now I have to do it. 

day 54 - one perfect day

Holy moly! Just finished the workout and I can barely grip a pen and write without the shakes. I thought the exercises were the one part of the pcp I was getting right but considering my jelly arms can barely tap keys, I must not have been going full tilt. I hadn't been half-assing the sets before but this probably has something to do with me doing the minimum instead of the maximum reps. Failure feels good. I don't think I've felt this way since I first started lifting more than a decade ago. 

Diet wise, I'm on track. I just have to close and can finally have the first PERFECT pcp day in awhile. There I said it, now I have to do it. 

day 53 - where does it come from?

The indulgence comes from a happy place? My friend said that to me. I agree that the indulgence should come from a better place than me covertly emotionally eating stale chocolate alone on the couch. But maybe best not to attach any emotion to it? Hmmm... still pondering.

I am also debating whether or not I should since I had that meltdown-M&M binge. Do I deserve it? Heck NO! But I want the indulgence BAD. I'm also worried that it could trigger another shameful episode of eating. Man this blog feels so narcissistic. ME, ME, ME. I'm kind of sick of me right now.

day 51 - good for more than just stress

Two good things happened today because of the pcp:

1) Got a free salad from mixt green
2) Ran into a friend I hadn't seen in months.

I didn't wake up early enough to workout but I did arrive on time to work. Unfortunately, the D was out sick so not there to appreciate the punctuality. My noontime workout was nice but I didn't really break a sweat until planks. Those were murder! I was wondering why I wasn't dripping with sweat earlier but the AC was pretty powerful.

I was starving an hour after I got back to work so hit up the corner store to buy a hardboiled egg. (In my haste to get to work, I forgot my hardboiled egg and afternoon tea.) Still hungry so decided to go to Mixt green for their heirloom tomato and corn salad on a bed of mixed greens. It was 4pm and they had totally broken down so nothing was left. I was so disappointed but then the dude told me I could have one of the premade salads in the cooler for free. SCORE! It was fresh from the day's lunch service so I was stoked. (He also offered me a cookie but I said no.) And then I noticed this girl sitting at one of the tables. OF all random things, it was Alisa, the one who originally introduced me to Mixt Green months ago. We caught up and made plans and that was awesome! I wouldn't have been there had it not been for the pcp. Don't worry, I ate the salad minus the croutons, dressing and cheese. I'm not really a fan of blue cheese but I did love the portobellos, red peppers and onions.

Thanks y'all for the support during my meltdown. The empathy and kind/humorous words mean A LOT!

ain't no valley, am in the abyss

Here I go blogging it out. I live alone so no can hug it out.

Ugh... I might be getting in trouble at work. I have never been a punctual person. I can be on time if the situation demanded it but in general, I tend to run on my own time, especially for going to work. When I'm running late in the morning, I can't seem to make myself move faster. It's almost like my mind is in defiance. Already late, what's the point of hurrying? I don't get it since I can wake up early for volleyball tournaments and yoga classes but not work. I do get my work done and I stay late too.

Since I've been trying to at least do jump rope and legs in the morning, I've become even tardier. Today, my manager intimated that the director has noticed (it's hard not to since I sit near the door) and might be on the verge of saying something. It is completely within her right to do so and I am totally at fault. I have no one but myself to blame but the pcp has definitely exacerbated the situation. I'm a contractor and our company is moving to a new building next year and they've been cleaning house lately. They've fired a bunch of staff. As a contractor with no benefits, I wouldn't even get severance or unemployment since they could just give me one month notice. And in this economy, it is a sucky time to be looking for a job. So glad I took out massive student loans for my graduate degree.

I hate being scared cause it brings out some ugliness. I get defensive and then offensive. I really don't like being negative or focusing on a person's bad qualities. It's totally useless and counterproductive. Normally with some effort, I can change my inner dialogue and the way I think but not these days. All my energy is spent staying the course (or trying to) on the pcp. I think I gotta switch back to evening workouts and accept that that's how it's going to be since I can't make myself get up early enough to do AM ones. Oh, and at the staff meeting this week, the D mentioned budget issues and not sure what it means for the new fiscal year. She was vague which makes it seem scarier as this year closes and my contract negotiation nears.

Side note, I think I'm going to need code names if I write about work related folks.

day 50 - cycle of shame and confession continues

I really thought I could be strong. We have an indulgence coming up. I've made such good progress. But here comes another confession. Sigh . . . I am a broken record. 

Last night's stats: 3 slices bread, 2 small packs trail mix (walnuts, cashews, dried cranberries, pistachios), 1 extra serving fruit,  and the worst part yet ... 

I devoured close to a quart size bag of mint crispy m&ms. What flavor is that you ask? They were limited edition ones from the last Indiana Jones movie two years ago. I found them buried back in my cabinet a couple nights ago when I was reaching for my mini food processor to chop garlic. My fellow candy fiend had found them and I guess I hadn't finished the three jumbo bags she gave me two years ago. 

I started with counting out small portions (10. 20, 25) in hopes I wouldn't do major damage. I paused and acknowledged that it was emotional eating and then I kept going. F--- it, I'm just gonna finish the rest otherwise I'd know they were there. I can NOT OPEN things but if something's already open, I can't handle it. I thought I'd feel sugar burn or get sick (but maybe stale ones become less sugary?). In the past, it sometimes happened after two rows of chewy chips ahoy, which is about 30 cookies. When I talked to a friend later, he asked if it made me sick. They didn't. I felt fine the whole time and after. I kept waiting for the gut bomb or the physical trigger to say STOP destroying yourself but clearly my system has ridiculously high tolerance. 

It's not fair to blame pms but it's definitely a contributing factor. I looked back on July blogs and it was around that time that I was ch-eating too. Going off the reservation a couple weeks ago was related more to my social awkwardness. 

I've identified two other contributing factors to my cycle of shame. 1) Each Wednesday when we get new diets and workout plans, I get a bit stressed having to wrap my head around more change and a disruption to routine. I know it's mostly the same stuff week-to-week with a few tweaks of the diet and more reps/sets in the workouts mean but what we're doing requires some level of precision (weighing food, counting, etc) cause I want to do it right. Plus, I have to figure out which days I need to go to the gym for pull-up stuff or kung-fu situps since I can't do them at home. There wasn't a door frame to install the bar in my apt.

I remember Patrick saying not to be too rigid with the weighing (give or take a few grams won't really count) but when I'm too flexible in certain areas, that opens a door to becoming a little too lax in others. I know it's a conscious choice to be stressed but I can't seem to help it sometimes. Everything is pretty time consuming so a mid-week change throws me into a bit of a tailspin. How do I deal with that? I eat. 

This leads to contributing factor No. 2. Pcp Sunday (rest day except for the jump rope) falls on a Wednesday in my 9-6 work world. It's not safe to feel tired and have an evening alone on the couch. I did my workout in the AM and was going to go to yoga but I talked myself out of it, citing fatigue. This meant a 3.5 hour window of time after work with nothing planned on a crappy day. Hence the binge. I'm usually dragging by midweek anyway cause of work and other life commitments. I should have more time to take care of the diet aspect of the pcp and prep my meals until the weekend but I just don't want to deal with it. I'm tired. (Wah, wah, wah, I know.)

day forty-freakin nine - Is it over yet?

There are days when the pcp gets on my last nerve. This morning was one of them. I had to wake up at 630 this morning cause my friend who crashed with me had an 8am meeting. I made her coffee and breakfast and then sent her off and had plenty of time to jump rope and work a little 8 min abs. Everything was going smoothly while I made my breakfast and got ready. I even had the chance to be early into work. Then,  DISASTER. I reached for my prepacked lunch and somehow the container slipped from my fingers and couscous, cucumbers and tomatoes went flying. It spilled onto two levels of my fridge, the crisper, my kitchen counter and the floor. F-@#$%@#$%. There goes being on time to work. I was pissed and immensely resentful of all the work it would take to clean up the mess. I know something so silly shouldn't send me over the edge but we spend so much damn time cooking, cleaning, working out that any more time the pcp sucks up just irritates the crap out of me.  

And whoop-dee doo, a new pcp week starts tomorrow. If Patrick takes away anything else from our dinner, I'm gonna have to be talked off the ledge. 

Micio, bless his heart, thought he would be helpful and clean the floor for me. Here is a pic of Shithead (pronounced Sha-teed) hovering up the scattered veggies. 

On the upside, these pants that I kept in my closet for "when I lose the weight" were actually loose when I put them on today! I bought them last year for my Kilimanjaro trek and couldn't bear to give them away even though they've never really fit properly and usually cut off circulation to the lower half of my body. Whoo-hoo! 

day 47 - scattered

I spent all day Sunday doing pcp prep for the week and yet somehow I'm totally all over the map today. Did the shopping, cooking and packaging of the meals to save time and start the week off right. I got enough sleep but I was fumbling over everything this morning and didn't manage to do any jumprope, let alone the workout. Ai-yah! 

I'm helping a friend pack/shop for a move to Senegal tonight so I really needed to be done with pcp stuff. I'm not sure why I'm stressing. I'm going to do the workout (There, I said it. Now I have to do it - ala Louise :P) But I can't seem to find focus or get organized. Another friend is coming into town tonight and my apt is a total disaster so maybe I'm feeling the pressure of having to run errands, workout and clean. 

day 45 - mission accomplished (squared)

Pizza and Beer. Pizza and Beer. Pizza and Beer.

No, I didn't consume any but I thought about it, A LOT. Played another all day volleyball tournament and my ride wanted to join her crew at UNO's, home of tasty deep dish pizza. Pre-pcp Grace would have been all about a nice big gooey slice with tons of pepperoni and cheese and a refreshing beer after a long day of play. I'm actually salivating right now thinking about the pizza.

My friend is a lovely and amazing person and felt very responsible for getting me home. I just wish she didn't keep telling everyone she couldn't go cause of MY diet. Of course I got the usual protests - "You're so thin already, why are you dieting?"; "You're skinny minnie, you need to eat and you played all day." Some of the group said they were gonna go and eat salad. But ain't no way I'm turning down pizza and beer when it's in front of me. So I asked around (and begged) for someone, anyone to drive me to the metro. I was lucky that a really nice guy happened to live not far from me and even dropped me off at my apt. Thanks Joe!

It has been a momentous day. I reached goal weight on day 45! I wanted to be 133 by my 33rd birthday. (I like the synchronicity in numbers.) I'm a whole month early and it would have been so easy to slide down that slippery slope. Of course I can have pizza, I reached my goal AND I played all day. But for these next 45 days, I am committed (or as much as I can be as a flawed human) to staying the course. I really don't want to go through the cycle of shame and self-hate when I go off the reservation cause it won't just be a little nibble. Y'all know that. It would be full tilt binge/indulgence. Am I saying I won't ever have pizza and beer again? HELL NO! But for the latter half of this project, I won't.

I was not thrilled that my ride kept telling everyone I was on a diet, which I am, but it's so much more. It's a total lifestyle change. Sarah mentioned awhile back about discussing our other reasons for doing the pcp, besides losing weight and getting hot and strong. (Btw, "Hot and Strong" is how my friend Sam introduced me to everyone at the housewarming a couple weeks ago. I kinda like it. :P)

High blood pressure, diabetes and alcoholism run in my family. I'm very fond of sweets and drinking. I used to say with pride that I come from a long line of women who can eat savory and sweet. Both my grandmothers had adult onset diabetes and my dad was an alcoholic. I'm no good at self control and I definitely used to have the mindset of better eat and drink now while I can cause I won't be able to later. Obviously, it's not very healthy or sound.

day 43 - bite me/WWSD

Today was a suckaroo day. Got woken up early by thunder and lightning. It poured sheets and no way was I going to the gym for the chest dips. I did the jump rope this morning but it stunk big time. I tripped every six jumps. The two-minute sets shouldn't have been too hard but I never found a rhythm.

At work, I was hungry all freakin day. It probably doesn't help that the AC (which I am normally grateful for) was blasting beyond reason. I was shivering at my desk most of the day and usually would turn to some food for warmth and comfort. It took a supreme amount of self control to resist the bowl of Hershey's miniatures that my colleague set out. She came up and offered it to me and I said "No thanks". But every time I walked by the common area, it was a concerted effort not to reach into the bowl and grab a few. I had an extra cup of coffee but that didn't help.

Raced home to avoid getting stuck in another storm. Promptly collapsed onto the couch and so wanted to nap. I was procrastinating from the rest of the workout even though I knew the longer I delayed, the longer it would be before eating sad dinner. I texted my friend and asked for words of encouragement. His response - "What would Sarah do?" I responded with an expletive-laced text but it got me off the couch. Y'all read right. Sarah, I was so inspired by your pics and your awesome post-two-kid-bikini bod that I couldn't shut up about it to my friend. He was teasing me as a joke but now it's fallen into the go-to three phrases of motivation category.

The weather seems to have cleared up a bit. Perhaps symbolic lifting of my foul mood? Who knows? I gotta stop watching cooking shows. It makes me very resentful of this damn process and the limitations on my freedom. All that beautiful fresh food being prepared that I can't have. I have been at the same weight for 12 days now! Ugh.. I'm sure it's related to my episodes of going off the reservation but someone throw me a bone already.

damnit - spoke too soon

the kung-fu sit-ups appear on day 47. JOY.

day 42 - redefining pathetic

I used to dread a new pcp week cause it meant a bunch of new, unmanageable-contortionist exercises. Oddly, I wasn't horrified by the workout. (That is by no means a challenge to you Patrick!) I'm no superstar but have become immune to the inventive ways that Patrick and Chen find to torture us. Of course, I have no idea what the kung-fu situp is but I know it's lurking.

The diet, on the other hand, kills me. Tonight, I hardboiled five eggs and weighed them. Normally I wouldn't bother with such nonsense but after seeing the new diet plans and more grams being trimmed, my brain and stomach were sending SOS messages to each other.

I'm not sure I experienced real hunger pangs (the mind is powerful) but my stomach definitely said "EAT THE BIGGEST ONE" (cause theoretically it should have the most egg white, right?) and save the smaller ones for breakfast. Lemme tell you folks the range was pretty decent, from 56-61 grams. I weighed the apples too although I have to eat them regardless of weight. Here's hoping that I get the smallest one on a less hungry day.

At work today, I actually lifted the bowl to my mouth and licked it clean to make sure not a single grain of couscous was missed. Yup, a new low. Redefining pathetic, that's me!

day 40 cheese whiz and planks

Remember the old commercial where the fake cheese pushers try to say that 1 min feels like a million seconds when you're zapping that goo? And then when you really can't bear it anymore, it's done. That's how I feel about 40 second planks. I thought I needed an adjustment period. But we're on our what, 50th set of 40-second planks and that 10 second increase still feels like an eon. Thirty seconds didn't exactly fly by but it wasn't as slow either. Every time I look up at the clock, I am shocked at how FEW seconds have gone by. How is it possible that only three seconds have ticked by?

Couscous really is glorious. So easy to make and so much of it. One cup yielded almost four lunch servings. Eaten with my heirloom tomato, corn and mixed green salad and lunch has truly become the favorite part of my day. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about dinner. Those are just sad. I'm getting to bed earlier these days so I can avoid thinking about my hunger and be that much closer to breakfast.

day 38 - because i am a big fan

of stating the obvious -- eating well makes a huge difference on performance. I know it's a very Duh! statement. But when you experience it for the first time in awhile, it bears mentioning. It is crazy how much more energy I have since my body processes far less junk than ever before.

Got 2nd today with my partner Stephanie. We played together over a month ago (pre-pcp) for the first time and made playoffs. Today, we totally had a chance to win it all and get our tournament entry fee back but a few late game mental lapses did us in. No matter. It was gorgeous, gorgeous weather and just a darn lot of fun on the court. I may not be hitting the ball that much harder but it felt good out there. Despite occasional bouts of sun-related fatigue, I had loads of energy on five hours of sleep.

Is this what happens when you're body isn't taxed by having to expel sugar and chemicals? It seems miraculous. Conditioning makes a huge difference both mentally and physically in doubles. You can hide behind your teammates in 6s but doubles forces you to cover a lot more court and you're involved in every point.

Just have to remember that I DON'T dive. The grass cuts on my body are proof that nothing good can come of it.

day 36b/37 - going off the reservation

It started with a chicken skewer. Two hours later at a housewarming party, I had ventured so far off the reservation that it was shameful.

There's no excuses for tonight but I felt a little blindsided by my diet no-nos. I took precautions. I deliberately went late so that I wouldn't be there long and if there was food served, it would likely be gone. I chewed my apple and egg white very slowly during the 1.5 mile walk to their place. I had every intention of just popping in, blessing their new apt and dropping off a bottle of prosecco, which btw is the BEST summer beverage out there.

But I was so hungry after the "incredible shrinking dinner" and today's workout was so meh that my powers of resistance completely faded upon arrival. It started with that chicken, which i could rationalize since I didn't have 70 of the 90g of protein allotted for lunch. It went south so quickly that it stunned me. My friends love food and it's all good stuff, locally sourced, organic, etc. There was a delicious mango-avocado-tomato-cilantro salsa, a light but creamy raita and some grilled corn on the cob and potatoes. The worst was the tortilla chips that I used as a vehicle to move the salsa to my mouth. I like tortilla chips and all but it's definitely a snack I can skip.

I didn't drink but that's also what contributed to this derailment. These parties can be awkward (especially if you're not drinking) so I did what I do best and parked it by the food table. There really wasn't much left in the salsa bowl so I sorta got the showing up late part right. BUT I have no trouble batting cleanup and totally hooovered down the last dregs of food.

I avoid temptation religiously because I know I'll cave. (Lesson learned after the last potluck.) I have done my darndest to avoid social interactions where there's a chance of going off the pcp reservation. I spend most nights hanging out with Micio. But it's pretty lonely. My old life, which I don't necessarily miss that much, centered around boozing and eating junk. I do miss being with friends and they have been super supportive in taking me out for teas and coffees. But they're not always around.

This is frickin frustrating as all heck. I'm sorry guys for not honoring the work that we do. A friend of mine has been reminding me to go balls to the wall each time I feel weak. But 90 days is a long time to be badass.

The food I ate maybe wasn't all that bad but it veered me off peak conditioning path. I get that we're supposed to be trimming down this week, hence dealing with a few hunger pangs is worth it to see signs of a six pack in T-54 days.

day 36 - AMAYW

Can I just say I am really digging as-much-as-you-want veg?  This small measure of freedom feels fantastic. I'm already putting it to use. At Mixt Greens, they have these beautiful salads that I've had to take home, weigh out and stop myself from devouring the whole thing. Today, I get to eat it all! Obviously, it is without dressing and the ahi amount is within pcp rules. 

Now if only we could have AMAYW reps for the pistol squats. I haven't done today's workout yet but those already look awful to me. And they sound that way too. I had a friend try it out while talking over the phone and he was struggling. Did I mention he was an All-American in his sport and still in great shape? Fantastic, eh? Legs are gonna love me today. 

day 35 - a little late to the partay

I know a bunch of you (maybe all?) already workout in the morning but today was my first. It is awesome! You feel so accomplished and energetic and you're free to do anything you want after work. I'm gonna incorporate morning workouts into my routine, or at least try to. 

I had to do yesterday's workout this morning cause after 1,000 jumps I was doubled over in pain last night. This is TMI but ever since the uptick in milk/yogurt consumption my system has been letting me know how much it does not enjoy dairy products. I know I'm LI but sheesh!! I alternated between being curled up in fetal position and spending long sessions studying my bathroom walls the rest of the night. 

day 34 - knees screamin please

STOP. I don't know if it's the increased intensity of the workouts or what but the patellas ain't too happy with me these days. The floorjumps and creep in combo with lunges and squats have made the knees a bit achy. Hope it's not a real issue and just good-ole-genuine-working-hard soreness. 

Team BADASS, does anyone else feel like Tuesdays are the new Thursdays in pcp world? Like you can muscle through today's workout cause pcp weekend is nearly upon us. Normally I hate Tuesdays cause we have our weekly staff meeting that drags on forever. Today's was a 2-hour whopper. But somehow I feel buoyant knowing that tomorrow's workout is only jump rope. Hooray for mid-week Fridays!

Here's another pic of Micio. When I went home at lunch in a foul mood from the meeting, watching Micio fold himself into this position made me laugh. Also throwing in a bonus pic of Micio climbing into my gym bag. He's got this look of "I just did a No. 2 in your bag, have a good workout!"

day 31:"I don't understand ...

people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently." - Leo McGarry, on his alcoholism

You know that scene from West Wing when Leo McGarry explains to his lawyer what happened the night the president collapsed before the debate? I know exactly how he feels. I don't want one chocolate, I want ten. So after the peanut butter bomb, I had a couple of kitkats, a chocolate covered marshmallow, and five, six or maybe eight chocolate covered digestives. I feel so sick from over eating chocolate and going off the pcp. Why do I do this to myself? Why did I negate all the good work I've done over the last 30 days? Why?!!?

And like Leo, I don't binge in front of other people. I gorge alone. I had planned to eat the peanut butter bomb in front of friends so that they might possibly halt this chocaholic tendency. But the folks at Sandy's going away were calling it an early night which was fine by me.

UGH. I had this problem in France too. In the land of beautiful, mostly-preservative-free food, I devoured all the peanut butter cups my mom sent in one sitting. Two packs of ten should have lasted me a month but they were gone in less than twenty minutes. I felt cruddy then and I feel crappy now.

I even picked the PBB because there would only be one of it. I agonized between chocolate or a cookie but decided it would be safer to have chocolate. I wanted to avoid the temptation of overdoing it. I am definitely overdone.

Eff-me. When it comes to sweet indulgences, there's no safe choice.

day 30 - Indulgence time, oh yeah!

Here's the photo of me enjoying a cider. The two-handed grasp says it all. The first sip and the rest of it was sooo delicious. I tried to pace myself and not chug like usual since I had gone to bikram and I wasn't sure where my alcohol tolerance level would be. I totally savored the beautiful amber glass of goodness.

I wasn't really tempted to have another but my rather exuberant friend Dave bought another one and set it in front of me. He's a good guy and means well but doesn't seem to understand the pcp despite repeated explanations. To him, more is better and I definitely use to share that philosophy. Thankfully my other friend Sandy was there to balance him out. She didn't touch her second pint either. And even when I wondered aloud if I should just have it since it was right there, she quietly said you don't need it. That approach works best for friends getting me to do the things I need to do for myself.

As much as I enjoyed the cider, I was saving the other 200 calories for something sweet. So glad I did. And that brings me to the . . .

The Peanut Butter Bomb

After much internal debate, I finally decided on the peanut butter bomb and boy did it live up to its name. Chocolate outside with a chewy, gooey inside of peanut butter, caramel and peanuts. Oh-em-gee. I felt like I had died a little death. It was sooooo incredible. All the taste and texture totally detonated in my mouth. Is this what happens when you go without for awhile? A post-pcp diet of restraint might be worth it to experience the pure and utter joy of eating and tasting something so amazing. Holy Moly! I thought I was eating for pleasure before but this was other worldly. I could get hit by a bus and I would be pretty stoked to have gone out eating the PBB. In fact, that used to be my eating mantra - Would I be happier going out after eating something healthful or a big giant cookie? Duh!

Workout today was fine. I need to hit the gym for the tricep dips. My makeshift two chairs didn't really work. I stuck one chair on top of a box to even out the height differential. It felt flimsy so I shoved two boxes of cat litter in it for support. I nearly flipped the black chair onto myself after the first dip so concluded it was best to leave dips for more stable equipment.

day 29, part deux - why sleep is important

This morning after I finished my breakfast of arugula, tomatoes, egg and bread, I noticed all these granules on my desk. That's weird, I don't remember salt crystals on the crust of the bread. I tasted the crystals and they didn't taste like anything. Still puzzled, I glanced over and saw a bunch of them stuck to my water bottle. I showed the bottle to a coworker who thought it looked like sugar. Then, I showed it to my boss who immediately asked what kind of cat litter I used. Confused, I replied Arm&Hammer Super Scoop.

M: I don't know what that one looks like.

G: Huh? It's pretty fine litter. I don't know where the sand would've come

from. When I went to the beach, I used my other backpack and that was

weeks ago. I tasted it and it doesn't taste like anything.

M: You tasted it?

G: I was trying to figure out what it was.

M: (Sigh) . .  . Remember on Monday when you brought Micio into the office?

G: yeah...

M: Didn't you bring in fresh cat litter for him just in case?

G: But I double bagged it

M: Doesn't matter. It's sand. It can slip through

G: OMG! I ATE DOOKIE POWDER?!?!

M: Why did you put it in your mouth if you didnt know what it was?

G: I thought it looked like salt. I wanted to know what it was.

M: Well, at least it was clean.

so yes folks, the pcp has driven me to eat cat litter. I contend that if I wasn't so tired from the workouts and all the food prep, I wouldn't have made the oh-so-stupid choice of putting an unknown substance in my mouth. Here's a pic of Micio hanging out by the mail bins. 

day 29 - regret

Ai-yah! I shouldn't have checked my email before going to bed. Curiosity killed this big cat.

Sheesus! Looking at the new workouts makes me wannna crawl under the covers and hide. They also remind me of when Billy Blanks would say "DOUBLE TIME" in taebo and you'd have to air punch twice as fast and hard. Only this looks way worse. Even when I was gung-ho bout weight lifting and in the gym almost everyday, I never did that many sets in one session. I had a nice schedule: Mon/Wed - triceps/chest, Tues/Thurs- biceps/back, Fri - shoulders/legs. I think I might long for the good ole days.

Does getting an indulgence mean your workout doubles, possibly triples, in the week(s) after? Suddenly the indulgence doesn't seem so appealing.

day 26 - ahh variety

Only good friends will hold your slimy legs to spot you on pull-ups.

Instead of jump rope today, I went for a jog with my friend Sam. She's training for a marathon and in incredibly good shape despite eating and drinking with virtually no limits. Mixing it up was super good for me today. All day, I was dragging and dreading the workout. My morning cup o joe did nothing for me and I was tired all freakin day. I hated the idea of going to the gym just for the pullup machine. Luckily the weather was incredible (for DC) and Sam was available for an after work jog. She was also the one that remembered the assorted pullup bars and equipment in the park.

I was kind of embarrassed at first to do the creep in front of random strangers. But there was no time to be shy as the mosquitoes were munching on me. The pullup bar was definitely intimidating. Right after I moved toward it, some dude did 10 in a row like it was nothing. I could barely keep my hands from sliding off the bar let alone lift my body. It really sucks being lousy at something but I hope to move away from being sucky eventually.

I finally committed to the Labor Day volleyball tournament after waffling for a week. I'm curious to see what effect the pcp has on my game. Can I request a refund if I'm not hitting the ball harder by day 66? :P

re-dedication

The indulgence couldn't have come at a better time. I've been feeling the torture of not eating cookies or cake really acutely last week. What to have will be a fun question to ponder. Chocolate chip cookies? cake? reeses pb cup? Glass of wine or cider?

I too have something to confess. Last night, I drank a Squirt and ate a suspect dinner of polenta and shrimp that I didn't weigh. I could blame the heat (102 but felt like 107). But really, it was my own weakness. I got stuck in the mindset of "I played 7 games of volleyball in 107 degree heat AND did my pcp workout" so I deserve this refreshing grapefruit soda. The sad part was that it didn't actually satiate me and I felt pretty awful for cheating. And then when I logged into email and saw that we get indulgence no. 1, I felt even worse. The only reason I even had the soda in my fridge was for the indulgence. For some odd reason, I can't find Squirt regularly in the grocery stores around me so I was ecstatic when Target had it. It's cheesy to say this but after the guilt last night, I decided some re-commitment to the pcp was in order. It's a short period of time and surely I can stick it out. I felt like I had to make the conscious decision to not break anymore rules.

The workout was hard today. Jump rope took FOREVER to get through. I'm pretty sure I didn't do the new exercises correctly. I searched for a couple videos but didn't find anything. I don't understand how high or low we're supposed to be for the floorjumps. For the v-sits, do we have to lower our upper body to the ground each time? I felt like I was feeling my way blindly and I'm a big fan of uncertainty. Not.

Okay, complaining over. On a much brighter note, I've inspired my friend Lissa to not eat sugar six days a week for a month. Part of our bond is that we both love and can eat tons of candy and chocolate. We spend a lot of time during our international travel hunting for new flavors of Hi-chews and kitkats and other goodies you can't find in the U.S. In light of not seeing much physical difference in my body and being annoyed by the workout, her declaration was totally a pick-me-up.

struggleful

Lots to report from the weekend. Well, not really. We got 3rd which sounds good but usually we're in the finals. The really disappointing part was that we totally collapsed against the team we lost to. They barely had to put the ball in play and we self-destructed. Don't understand what our deal is against that team since my teammates are awesome and really talented. 

Failure - Good and Bad.  I was at failure for all three sets of pushups on Tuesday. Try as I did, I could not come back up on the last one of each set. It was a little disappointing since I've been doing pushups on my toes all along. It always felt too awkward to do them on my knees. Also at failure on the third set of dips which was a new experience. I love dips and working my triceps. Clearly, I didn't love them to failure before. 

Diet wise I had mixed results in NY. I definitely strayed from the pcp diet. Breakfast and lunches I ate my meals at my friends  place but didn't fare so well for lunch. I had soup dumplings filled with pork and crab. They were probably not to close to the source. They were salty and delicious. I probably needed the salt with all the sweating. It felt like we were being seared alive playing on concrete in 95 deg temps (35C). Also drank coconut water. I figured it was better than gatorade, which I didn't touch all weekend. 

It felt strange to be getting back to the pcp workout on Tues after five days away from it. Per Patrick's instructions, I only did jump rope for the two days before the tournament. I skipped Monday because my body was too sore from the weekend and I did feel on the verge of illness. I'm ready to go full throttle now. Hoorah, just in time for another batch of new and frightening exercises.

Clearly opaque. I'm not sure I, or anyone else, can see that much of a change in my body but something is up. My colleague at work complimented me on an old raggedy dress I was wearing yesterday. I don't think it's the dress but she probably couldn't quite put her finger on what was different. I definitely noticed the veins popping on my hands but didn't think there were that many fat layers there. 

Yup, that's me diving on concrete. Funny, but I didn't really remember hitting the ground. The image might be too small to see but the pcp is definitely making my muscles more pronounced. I'm seeing other results too. Dropped 3.5 pounds. The scale actually reads a little more but I'm factoring in the water weight. 

I can't wait until the weekend. It's Thursday and I still haven't caught up. Another tournament on Saturday which I'm  not looking forward to.

taking the pcp on the road

Why am I continuously being tested? At work today, I stepped out of the stairwell into an ice cream social in the lobby. Seven to eight flavors, an array of toppings and tons of people enjoying their dessert lunch. The building sponsors one once every six months. Talk bout a great work pick me up. But sadly, I did not partake.

In the office my coworkers were discussing the comfort of eating choc chip cookie dough straight from the package. One of the women had just undergone gum surgery and can only eat soft foods. It hit me pretty hard that cookies and comfort won't be consumed for 75 more days. I haven't gone this long without a cookie since before I was chewing solid food. I'm trying to practice thinking from the end but it's a constant battle to reframe, reframe, reframe.

I cheated last night. I ate an extra 150g of fruit. It wasn't so much that I was hungry but I had eaten things out of order. I squeezed in the workout pre-yoga but I was starving after. I didn't have enough time to cook/eat/digest dinner before class so I ate the PM fruit snack. I thought it wouldn't matter but obviously it did. After dinner, I needed the sweet to close out my eating day and I was totally obsessing about it.

This is gonna be a tough weekend. I'm going to NY tomorrow for a volleyball tournament in Chinatown, place of delicious and cheap food (five dumplings for a $1!!). I'm shopping, cooking and packing all my meals tonight and still have no idea what to bring. I'm staying with a friend so I'll be able to keep my dinners in the fridge but I'm clueless what to do for lunch. We'll be playing outdoors in the sun from 9am on so I'm restricted in what I can bring. Any suggestions folks?

Duh!

I didn't do yesterday's workout until 11 pm. Between volleyball practice and yoga, grocery shopping and cooking, there just wasn't enough time.

Had a revelation that seems obvious but still produced an a-ha! moment. I didn't get much sleep last night, not sure if I was too wired from the late workout. I expected to wake up feeling awful but surprisingly it's been an okay day. After morning coffee, I've been pretty alert and not feeling rundown. Is this what happens when you eat FOOD? Normally when I'm tired, I'd get coffee and a fried chicken/biscuit breakfast sandwich at Dunkin Donuts. Then I'd eat at my desk all day to keep myself awake. Had to forego all of that with the pcp. Shockingly, I haven't been tempted to put my head down or crawl underneath my desk once. 

Confession time: I didn't do so well at the potluck I went to on Saturday. I fully intended to only socialize and not eat any of the delicious fare. I had my reasons ready too for anyone that asked. (I am recovering from a stomach virus, gotta take it easy. ) I thought about bringing my own dinner but these were people I had never met before and I didn't want to be the story. But with a small apt and an exuberant host, there was no way to avoid eating a little. I didn't eat much but I didn't weigh the food. A couple of meatballs and the host's pork dish.  I'm not gonna lie - the pork was delicious but most of the stuff tasted salty. I didn't go completely off the rails. No sugar or alcohol. If I had had either one of those, that would've been the end. 

The batteries on my camera died as I was downloading them so week 2 photos are late. I wish how I looked on the outside would catch up to how I feel on the inside. It was a little disappointing not to have visible verification of the changes that are clearly going on within my body. 

day 8/real day 1 wrap

Talk about a hectic day. The equipment I bought for pullups didn't work in my door so there was a last minute scramble at lunch to get stuff. (The original pullup bar I got last week also didn't work so that's sitting in a corner waiting to be returned.) I lugged the perfect pullup home and saw that it too would not fit. As much as I love my apt, it only has ONE door and it's pretty narrow. Totally not ideal for pullups. Don't worry Mr. Landlord, I did not drill holes into the frame.

After work, I returned the perfect pullup and jammed to the gym to use one piece of equipment. I'm sure I didn't do most of our new exercises correctly. The pullups weren't real taxing. I'm pretty positive I was doing them wrong and NOT that my back muscles are just that strong. My shoulders didn't lift as high as Patrick's in the picture. I'm pretending it's because the resistance bands are still new. Hopefully, I get better at these or it's gonna be a LOOOOONG 81 days.

The diet contributed to the hectic day. I had veggies and fruit at home but no proteins or carbs. I dashed from yoga to Whole Foods so I could avert the odd combos that I had for breakfast and lunch. Dinner was pretty funny. I bought tuna nigiri from the sushi counter and removed all the sashimi from the brown rice. My pile of protein on the scale just looked sad. I'm so glad the weekend is here so I can properly shop and prep the eats.

fraidy cat

Ok, now I'm scared. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Holy moly. It's only 90 days and things will be awesome in the end but man, do I feel some trepidation. And my usual comfort activity - watching Top Chef and eating - isn't going to help.

It's not the exercises that have me afraid. (Although that's probably because my body doesn't really know what kind of beating it's about to take.) It's the diet. I'm worried about inadvertently eating the wrong thing and whether or not I can stick to the food plan. Don't get me wrong, I love vegetables and I eat a lot of them. One of my old food rules used to be that I could eat as many cookies, cakes, and candy as long as I ate my greens. But all of this is pretty hard core. I'm trying to look at the diet through a lens of abundance. It's not about what I can't have during the next 83 days. It's the mindset of I get to eat so many things I love - apples, pineapple, grapes, arugula, broccoli, etc.

Holiday weekends are always tricky. You end up gorging and eating way more than normal and exercise usually takes a back seat. I'm proud to say I got the workouts done despite pleas from friends to join them earlier.

I was at a bbq for eight hours yesterday and had four drinks. That amount is far fewer than previous 4th of July bashes but my body felt pretty polluted. Social gatherings are going to be a challenge during the pcp. If the food is in front of me, I'll definitely eat it. I only ate half a burger and a salad but I picked at the grilled veggies and other snacks (most of them healthy) even though I wasn't really hungry. I couldn't really reconcile eating only half an asparagus spear so I ate the whole thing. Same thing with the watermelon which is awesome during a hot summer day. How do you only eat half a slice?

Did anyone else groan inwardly when they saw the subtle increase in our exercise sets and jumps? I could do crunches forever but push-ups are brutal.