people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently." - Leo McGarry, on his alcoholism
You know that scene from West Wing when Leo McGarry explains to his lawyer what happened the night the president collapsed before the debate? I know exactly how he feels. I don't want one chocolate, I want ten. So after the peanut butter bomb, I had a couple of kitkats, a chocolate covered marshmallow, and five, six or maybe eight chocolate covered digestives. I feel so sick from over eating chocolate and going off the pcp. Why do I do this to myself? Why did I negate all the good work I've done over the last 30 days? Why?!!?
And like Leo, I don't binge in front of other people. I gorge alone. I had planned to eat the peanut butter bomb in front of friends so that they might possibly halt this chocaholic tendency. But the folks at Sandy's going away were calling it an early night which was fine by me.
UGH. I had this problem in France too. In the land of beautiful, mostly-preservative-free food, I devoured all the peanut butter cups my mom sent in one sitting. Two packs of ten should have lasted me a month but they were gone in less than twenty minutes. I felt cruddy then and I feel crappy now.
I even picked the PBB because there would only be one of it. I agonized between chocolate or a cookie but decided it would be safer to have chocolate. I wanted to avoid the temptation of overdoing it. I am definitely overdone.
Eff-me. When it comes to sweet indulgences, there's no safe choice.
OH, I hear you! This is me too. Sugar definitely has addictive qualities, and cutting it (or trying to learn how to manage it) has been one of the hardest things about PCP for me.
ReplyDeleteBut you didn't negate all the work you've done over the last 30 days! This could actually be very instructive if you can get past the shameful feelings. (And believe me, I understand those too.) Keep moving ahead, you're really doing great!
thanks Tara! your words were so encouraging and so true. it's about managing the sugar and moving past the shame.and there was a lot of it.
ReplyDeleteGrace, I am JUST the same. My natural inclination is to have more more more!! This is what I call "the constant struggle" and the only things that seem to work for me in the beginning stage of trying to change this behavior is to get myself physically away from whatever food i'm unleashing on, and also to meditate on a mantra of some sort (i.e. you won't feel any better after eating more, Elena!).
ReplyDeleteI still haven't totally cured myself of this tendency, but it's good to be aware of it - that's a big step toward change!
Im like that too! thats my biggest problem, i always gorge myself with chocolate and chips and always end up feeling sick after eating so much. i jsut cant stop! Im hoping post pcp ill be able to better control myself. your looking great too!
ReplyDeleteKeep blogging it out!
ReplyDelete