day 79 - Hellooooo breakthrough and indulgence!

It's been a rough couple of days. I haven't slept much. My cold might have morphed into awful allergies. Sore throat is gone but I had to sleep sitting up last night cause the congestion and sinus pressure were so bad. I'm proud to say that I did most of the workouts the last two days. Only skipped the shoulder fly after two sets when the resistance band flew from the door jam into my chest. Decided oh eff-it and lemme just go to situps already before I give up completely.

I had my performance review today. It wasn't bad. No actual substantive criticisms about my work. The thing that bothers me was that the things I need to work on are cosmetic and fixable - punctuality, no big shocker there. But I'm frustrated by how expendable I feel. Getting dinged for stuff that's not that important (at least in my mind) annoys me. Oh well. Gotta change the inner dialogue.

Here's the breakthough part: I spent some time venting to someone important in my life. He botched some meaningless details which snowballed into a bigger fight. His inability to remember reminds me of how irrelevant I am to him. It's not rational by any means but he always claims to forget stuff with everyone, which is mostly true. BUT, I have seen him retain info when it's important to him so there's a couple of HUGE holes in his argument. I wasn't setting him up for failure but some awful stuff happened to me a couple years ago that he SHOULD'VE remembered. I'm not talking bout naming a specific month or day and was crushed when he couldn't spit out a date within range (+/- 2 years is doable, c'mon it's not that hard!) of a significant event in my life.

After we hung up the phone, I had a very clear thought of a) I desperately want a drink and b) I need to eat something sugary. No dice on the prosecco cause opening the bottle means drinking the whole thing. The bottle in my fridge has a PCP finish tag on it. Considered eating a piece of chocolate. I still had half a bar left in cabinet from that awful binge last month. I had been saving to give it to a friend since she wanted to try 86% cacao. I reached the top shelf for it and then a voice popped into my head - "Giving into emotional eating is like saying that if I don't eat something to cope, I will be destroyed by that emotion." I REALLY HATE when emotions get the best of me or I feel I can't get a handle on how to deal. I also hate feeling like I'd be giving into the thing that many women get labeled with when they're upset - "Oh, you're just too emotional."

I decided I would be stronger than my feelings of anger/frustration/sadness. I'm not going to use food to cope. I think Tara either blogged or commented about it when I was bingeing? I made a clear, conscious decision to be bigger than a lame square of chocolate. I ate my evening apple instead and then my dinner.

Saturday is indulgence! I had this planned for ages. Ever since I saw Ted Allen name Art Smith's fried chicken as the BEST he EVER ATE, I had been dying to try it. Once I calculated that indulgence No. 3 would be near my birthday, I decided it was a fitting way to celebrate. They only serve fried chicken on the weekends so sorry Patrick, it didn't happen before day 80. I'll report back!

Have a great weekend y'all!