I really thought I could be strong. We have an indulgence coming up. I've made such good progress. But here comes another confession. Sigh . . . I am a broken record.
Last night's stats: 3 slices bread, 2 small packs trail mix (walnuts, cashews, dried cranberries, pistachios), 1 extra serving fruit, and the worst part yet ...
I devoured close to a quart size bag of mint crispy m&ms. What flavor is that you ask? They were limited edition ones from the last Indiana Jones movie two years ago. I found them buried back in my cabinet a couple nights ago when I was reaching for my mini food processor to chop garlic. My fellow candy fiend had found them and I guess I hadn't finished the three jumbo bags she gave me two years ago.
I started with counting out small portions (10. 20, 25) in hopes I wouldn't do major damage. I paused and acknowledged that it was emotional eating and then I kept going. F--- it, I'm just gonna finish the rest otherwise I'd know they were there. I can NOT OPEN things but if something's already open, I can't handle it. I thought I'd feel sugar burn or get sick (but maybe stale ones become less sugary?). In the past, it sometimes happened after two rows of chewy chips ahoy, which is about 30 cookies. When I talked to a friend later, he asked if it made me sick. They didn't. I felt fine the whole time and after. I kept waiting for the gut bomb or the physical trigger to say STOP destroying yourself but clearly my system has ridiculously high tolerance.
It's not fair to blame pms but it's definitely a contributing factor. I looked back on July blogs and it was around that time that I was ch-eating too. Going off the reservation a couple weeks ago was related more to my social awkwardness.
I've identified two other contributing factors to my cycle of shame. 1) Each Wednesday when we get new diets and workout plans, I get a bit stressed having to wrap my head around more change and a disruption to routine. I know it's mostly the same stuff week-to-week with a few tweaks of the diet and more reps/sets in the workouts mean but what we're doing requires some level of precision (weighing food, counting, etc) cause I want to do it right. Plus, I have to figure out which days I need to go to the gym for pull-up stuff or kung-fu situps since I can't do them at home. There wasn't a door frame to install the bar in my apt.
I remember Patrick saying not to be too rigid with the weighing (give or take a few grams won't really count) but when I'm too flexible in certain areas, that opens a door to becoming a little too lax in others. I know it's a conscious choice to be stressed but I can't seem to help it sometimes. Everything is pretty time consuming so a mid-week change throws me into a bit of a tailspin. How do I deal with that? I eat.
This leads to contributing factor No. 2. Pcp Sunday (rest day except for the jump rope) falls on a Wednesday in my 9-6 work world. It's not safe to feel tired and have an evening alone on the couch. I did my workout in the AM and was going to go to yoga but I talked myself out of it, citing fatigue. This meant a 3.5 hour window of time after work with nothing planned on a crappy day. Hence the binge. I'm usually dragging by midweek anyway cause of work and other life commitments. I should have more time to take care of the diet aspect of the pcp and prep my meals until the weekend but I just don't want to deal with it. I'm tired. (Wah, wah, wah, I know.)
awwww grace. that indiana jones film wasn´t even any good. what was that weird ending all about?!?
ReplyDeletePMS is def the worst time, it feels like such an extra struggle. last month, i had some really high % cocoa dark chocolate; it hit the sugar craving and u need very very little (like a TINY amount). and some tea, with a little bit added honey. it seemed to help.
im not sure if it makes a difference, but i dont look ahead at the workouts for the week. i think it would freak me out too much if i saw something i didnt like staring back at me. i like to go for "shock and awe". sometimes, during workout, i dont even maximise the page, and just scroll down per exercise. (i know i know, i dont like forward planning!) logistically, it might not be possible for you to do something similar, especially if you need to go to the gym for pull up bar. what about switching pull ups and kung fu sit ups for a day when its easier to make it to the gym? (or is this breaking all the PCP rules?!?!?!? woooops)
still got 40 days to go......i think by day 89 i will have the routine/prep etc perfected. go figure!
dude - i know what you mean about the wednesday weirdness. on the one hand, it's nice to have a break from exercises, but on the other, it can be overwhelming to get that "new week" email AND have more time to stew over it. good for you for figuring out the PMS connection - that little piece of information always seems to escape me and i'm surprised every month when things go haywire. hang in there, tomorrow is a new PCP day!
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to this, and don't beat yourself up about it too much. Keep moving forward! Even after you stumble.
ReplyDeleteOne key thing: it was some kind of progress that you were aware of what you were doing the whole time (i.e. emotional eating) and why you were doing it. Sure, you still went ahead and did it, but in my experience the next couple of times this happens you won't indulge as much or maybe not at all. You're also training your mind to be...mindful. Like the body, this doesn't happen overnight. So, keep on truckin!
Sounds like you're getting to know your weaknesses, and perhaps for you being strict in one area will lead you to be strong in others. Try to have a perfect PCP day, every gram, every rep, sometime this week!
ReplyDelete