day 59-62: moments of badass and not so much

Lame/badass Sunday -

I'm going to start with the good in the vain hope that y'all won't read through to the bad. My friend Sam is training for a marathon. I've agreed to run with her part time during her long runs. So in addition to playing volleyball and going to bikram, I've added running to the mix. Am I insane? Possibly. But there are moments when it makes me feel like a badass. 

Sunday night was one of them. While she ran, I worked out chez moi. Sam came to my apt on mile 7. We ran miles 7-10 to the park so I could do my pullups and kung-fu situps which I didn't get to do in NY. It was dark when we were truckin it up the hill and by the time we got to the fitness bars you couldn't see two inches in front of you. No matter. The pullup bar does not require one to see it to use it. When we finished our respective exercises, we felt pretty hard core. There were black stains on my hands from the workout gloves and my back was covered in dirt. Our sweat glowed in the moonlight as we fought off thoughts of possible crazies lurking in the trees. Our endorphins were kicking so we felt pretty invincible, especially me since I had done extra exercise.

In the interest of full disclosure, here are my less badass moments. In fact, they were downright awful and I wasn't going to mention them since they embarrass me to no end, especially if we're supposed to step up and set the example for the cohorts of pcpers behind us. I felt pretty virtuous exercise wise on Sunday but the diet got me, again. 

I was decompressing from the weekend and watching Entourage. Bad thoughts crept into my head about chocolate. If I have a few squares, it's better to do it on the weekend and start clean on Monday. I wasn't emotional eating. I had spent a great weekend with friends in NY. I wasn't tired. I'm really not sure what happened but eight squares of Ghiradelli's Twilight Delight later and damage was done. I didn't fall asleep until 6am that night/morning and thought maybe it was guilt. Later, I realized that my body a)wasn't used to that much sugar and b) 72% cacao has a TON OF caffeine in it. 

manic monday

I was a wreck on Monday but was doing ok diet wise until 4pm. It wasn't the usual midafternoon crash that stems from eating bad food. The lack of sleep, an irritating project and my coworker rifling through my drawer for chocolate (if she's going to eat my chocolate, why shouldn't I?) did me in. I had brought all my home chocolate into the office so I wouldn't have to toss it out but also wouldn't have easy access either. Big mistake. Four big peppermint patties and a peanut butter twix later, I was planning my evening around some ch-eating and Top Chef. When I got home, I had actually heated the frozen spinach lasagne and was  bout to plop on the couch when my friend texted that he was playing volleyball in the field behind my apt building. That was a huge saving grace (haha) since who knows what I would've eaten after. I tossed the lasagne, jetted out and had a darn good time playing ball. Sure, it delayed my workout, which I barely struggled through, but it did prevent another episode of psychotic eating. 

All the chocolate eating on Monday afternoon was so disappointing for a couple of reasons. We only have 30 days left and I want to make the best of them. I had made it pretty much to the home stretch on Monday without ch-eating but just gave up at the end. And I was mindful all day of what Tara had written in her post that reaching for food to handle emotions sends the message to yourself that you'll be destroyed by emotions unless you eat something. I didn't want to do it but I did it anyway.  

This is TMI but I've had pms for two weeks now and it is driving me up the wall. Emotions run amuck during the rollercoaster days of pcp, so a fortnight of pms is super fun. Seeing as how I have no significant other and am not getting busy, there's no actual reason for the hunt for red october. My body seems confused. 

Tuesday

After working out this morning and clocking 7 hours of sleep, I feel AMAZING. New York was fantastic but it threw off my pcp routine. Even though I did the exercises, my diet/routine was thrown off. I actually feel ok going into this weekend (this might change, stay tuned!) and ready to battle/do the explanations of why I'm eating differently than everyone at the tournament. There is a team dinner Saturday night and the tournament banquet on Sunday. I'm going to try to just eat the veggies at both. Stupid baggage fees mean limited space. I'm only packing breakfast and dinners (provided they're still apple/egg white) and will try to be as pcp compliant as possible for lunch during the day. There I said it, now I have to do it. 

I feel ready to rock the last 28 days. I have the energy to remind myself that the world will not run out of junk food in the next four weeks. Plus, I have unmet goals and eating crap won't get me there. If you have a toothache from reading the last couple paragraphs, sorry!