day 31:"I don't understand ...

people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently." - Leo McGarry, on his alcoholism

You know that scene from West Wing when Leo McGarry explains to his lawyer what happened the night the president collapsed before the debate? I know exactly how he feels. I don't want one chocolate, I want ten. So after the peanut butter bomb, I had a couple of kitkats, a chocolate covered marshmallow, and five, six or maybe eight chocolate covered digestives. I feel so sick from over eating chocolate and going off the pcp. Why do I do this to myself? Why did I negate all the good work I've done over the last 30 days? Why?!!?

And like Leo, I don't binge in front of other people. I gorge alone. I had planned to eat the peanut butter bomb in front of friends so that they might possibly halt this chocaholic tendency. But the folks at Sandy's going away were calling it an early night which was fine by me.

UGH. I had this problem in France too. In the land of beautiful, mostly-preservative-free food, I devoured all the peanut butter cups my mom sent in one sitting. Two packs of ten should have lasted me a month but they were gone in less than twenty minutes. I felt cruddy then and I feel crappy now.

I even picked the PBB because there would only be one of it. I agonized between chocolate or a cookie but decided it would be safer to have chocolate. I wanted to avoid the temptation of overdoing it. I am definitely overdone.

Eff-me. When it comes to sweet indulgences, there's no safe choice.

day 30 - Indulgence time, oh yeah!

Here's the photo of me enjoying a cider. The two-handed grasp says it all. The first sip and the rest of it was sooo delicious. I tried to pace myself and not chug like usual since I had gone to bikram and I wasn't sure where my alcohol tolerance level would be. I totally savored the beautiful amber glass of goodness.

I wasn't really tempted to have another but my rather exuberant friend Dave bought another one and set it in front of me. He's a good guy and means well but doesn't seem to understand the pcp despite repeated explanations. To him, more is better and I definitely use to share that philosophy. Thankfully my other friend Sandy was there to balance him out. She didn't touch her second pint either. And even when I wondered aloud if I should just have it since it was right there, she quietly said you don't need it. That approach works best for friends getting me to do the things I need to do for myself.

As much as I enjoyed the cider, I was saving the other 200 calories for something sweet. So glad I did. And that brings me to the . . .

The Peanut Butter Bomb

After much internal debate, I finally decided on the peanut butter bomb and boy did it live up to its name. Chocolate outside with a chewy, gooey inside of peanut butter, caramel and peanuts. Oh-em-gee. I felt like I had died a little death. It was sooooo incredible. All the taste and texture totally detonated in my mouth. Is this what happens when you go without for awhile? A post-pcp diet of restraint might be worth it to experience the pure and utter joy of eating and tasting something so amazing. Holy Moly! I thought I was eating for pleasure before but this was other worldly. I could get hit by a bus and I would be pretty stoked to have gone out eating the PBB. In fact, that used to be my eating mantra - Would I be happier going out after eating something healthful or a big giant cookie? Duh!

Workout today was fine. I need to hit the gym for the tricep dips. My makeshift two chairs didn't really work. I stuck one chair on top of a box to even out the height differential. It felt flimsy so I shoved two boxes of cat litter in it for support. I nearly flipped the black chair onto myself after the first dip so concluded it was best to leave dips for more stable equipment.

day 29, part deux - why sleep is important

This morning after I finished my breakfast of arugula, tomatoes, egg and bread, I noticed all these granules on my desk. That's weird, I don't remember salt crystals on the crust of the bread. I tasted the crystals and they didn't taste like anything. Still puzzled, I glanced over and saw a bunch of them stuck to my water bottle. I showed the bottle to a coworker who thought it looked like sugar. Then, I showed it to my boss who immediately asked what kind of cat litter I used. Confused, I replied Arm&Hammer Super Scoop.

M: I don't know what that one looks like.

G: Huh? It's pretty fine litter. I don't know where the sand would've come

from. When I went to the beach, I used my other backpack and that was

weeks ago. I tasted it and it doesn't taste like anything.

M: You tasted it?

G: I was trying to figure out what it was.

M: (Sigh) . .  . Remember on Monday when you brought Micio into the office?

G: yeah...

M: Didn't you bring in fresh cat litter for him just in case?

G: But I double bagged it

M: Doesn't matter. It's sand. It can slip through

G: OMG! I ATE DOOKIE POWDER?!?!

M: Why did you put it in your mouth if you didnt know what it was?

G: I thought it looked like salt. I wanted to know what it was.

M: Well, at least it was clean.

so yes folks, the pcp has driven me to eat cat litter. I contend that if I wasn't so tired from the workouts and all the food prep, I wouldn't have made the oh-so-stupid choice of putting an unknown substance in my mouth. Here's a pic of Micio hanging out by the mail bins. 

day 29 - regret

Ai-yah! I shouldn't have checked my email before going to bed. Curiosity killed this big cat.

Sheesus! Looking at the new workouts makes me wannna crawl under the covers and hide. They also remind me of when Billy Blanks would say "DOUBLE TIME" in taebo and you'd have to air punch twice as fast and hard. Only this looks way worse. Even when I was gung-ho bout weight lifting and in the gym almost everyday, I never did that many sets in one session. I had a nice schedule: Mon/Wed - triceps/chest, Tues/Thurs- biceps/back, Fri - shoulders/legs. I think I might long for the good ole days.

Does getting an indulgence mean your workout doubles, possibly triples, in the week(s) after? Suddenly the indulgence doesn't seem so appealing.

day 26 - ahh variety

Only good friends will hold your slimy legs to spot you on pull-ups.

Instead of jump rope today, I went for a jog with my friend Sam. She's training for a marathon and in incredibly good shape despite eating and drinking with virtually no limits. Mixing it up was super good for me today. All day, I was dragging and dreading the workout. My morning cup o joe did nothing for me and I was tired all freakin day. I hated the idea of going to the gym just for the pullup machine. Luckily the weather was incredible (for DC) and Sam was available for an after work jog. She was also the one that remembered the assorted pullup bars and equipment in the park.

I was kind of embarrassed at first to do the creep in front of random strangers. But there was no time to be shy as the mosquitoes were munching on me. The pullup bar was definitely intimidating. Right after I moved toward it, some dude did 10 in a row like it was nothing. I could barely keep my hands from sliding off the bar let alone lift my body. It really sucks being lousy at something but I hope to move away from being sucky eventually.

I finally committed to the Labor Day volleyball tournament after waffling for a week. I'm curious to see what effect the pcp has on my game. Can I request a refund if I'm not hitting the ball harder by day 66? :P

re-dedication

The indulgence couldn't have come at a better time. I've been feeling the torture of not eating cookies or cake really acutely last week. What to have will be a fun question to ponder. Chocolate chip cookies? cake? reeses pb cup? Glass of wine or cider?

I too have something to confess. Last night, I drank a Squirt and ate a suspect dinner of polenta and shrimp that I didn't weigh. I could blame the heat (102 but felt like 107). But really, it was my own weakness. I got stuck in the mindset of "I played 7 games of volleyball in 107 degree heat AND did my pcp workout" so I deserve this refreshing grapefruit soda. The sad part was that it didn't actually satiate me and I felt pretty awful for cheating. And then when I logged into email and saw that we get indulgence no. 1, I felt even worse. The only reason I even had the soda in my fridge was for the indulgence. For some odd reason, I can't find Squirt regularly in the grocery stores around me so I was ecstatic when Target had it. It's cheesy to say this but after the guilt last night, I decided some re-commitment to the pcp was in order. It's a short period of time and surely I can stick it out. I felt like I had to make the conscious decision to not break anymore rules.

The workout was hard today. Jump rope took FOREVER to get through. I'm pretty sure I didn't do the new exercises correctly. I searched for a couple videos but didn't find anything. I don't understand how high or low we're supposed to be for the floorjumps. For the v-sits, do we have to lower our upper body to the ground each time? I felt like I was feeling my way blindly and I'm a big fan of uncertainty. Not.

Okay, complaining over. On a much brighter note, I've inspired my friend Lissa to not eat sugar six days a week for a month. Part of our bond is that we both love and can eat tons of candy and chocolate. We spend a lot of time during our international travel hunting for new flavors of Hi-chews and kitkats and other goodies you can't find in the U.S. In light of not seeing much physical difference in my body and being annoyed by the workout, her declaration was totally a pick-me-up.

struggleful

Lots to report from the weekend. Well, not really. We got 3rd which sounds good but usually we're in the finals. The really disappointing part was that we totally collapsed against the team we lost to. They barely had to put the ball in play and we self-destructed. Don't understand what our deal is against that team since my teammates are awesome and really talented. 

Failure - Good and Bad.  I was at failure for all three sets of pushups on Tuesday. Try as I did, I could not come back up on the last one of each set. It was a little disappointing since I've been doing pushups on my toes all along. It always felt too awkward to do them on my knees. Also at failure on the third set of dips which was a new experience. I love dips and working my triceps. Clearly, I didn't love them to failure before. 

Diet wise I had mixed results in NY. I definitely strayed from the pcp diet. Breakfast and lunches I ate my meals at my friends  place but didn't fare so well for lunch. I had soup dumplings filled with pork and crab. They were probably not to close to the source. They were salty and delicious. I probably needed the salt with all the sweating. It felt like we were being seared alive playing on concrete in 95 deg temps (35C). Also drank coconut water. I figured it was better than gatorade, which I didn't touch all weekend. 

It felt strange to be getting back to the pcp workout on Tues after five days away from it. Per Patrick's instructions, I only did jump rope for the two days before the tournament. I skipped Monday because my body was too sore from the weekend and I did feel on the verge of illness. I'm ready to go full throttle now. Hoorah, just in time for another batch of new and frightening exercises.

Clearly opaque. I'm not sure I, or anyone else, can see that much of a change in my body but something is up. My colleague at work complimented me on an old raggedy dress I was wearing yesterday. I don't think it's the dress but she probably couldn't quite put her finger on what was different. I definitely noticed the veins popping on my hands but didn't think there were that many fat layers there. 

Yup, that's me diving on concrete. Funny, but I didn't really remember hitting the ground. The image might be too small to see but the pcp is definitely making my muscles more pronounced. I'm seeing other results too. Dropped 3.5 pounds. The scale actually reads a little more but I'm factoring in the water weight. 

I can't wait until the weekend. It's Thursday and I still haven't caught up. Another tournament on Saturday which I'm  not looking forward to.

taking the pcp on the road

Why am I continuously being tested? At work today, I stepped out of the stairwell into an ice cream social in the lobby. Seven to eight flavors, an array of toppings and tons of people enjoying their dessert lunch. The building sponsors one once every six months. Talk bout a great work pick me up. But sadly, I did not partake.

In the office my coworkers were discussing the comfort of eating choc chip cookie dough straight from the package. One of the women had just undergone gum surgery and can only eat soft foods. It hit me pretty hard that cookies and comfort won't be consumed for 75 more days. I haven't gone this long without a cookie since before I was chewing solid food. I'm trying to practice thinking from the end but it's a constant battle to reframe, reframe, reframe.

I cheated last night. I ate an extra 150g of fruit. It wasn't so much that I was hungry but I had eaten things out of order. I squeezed in the workout pre-yoga but I was starving after. I didn't have enough time to cook/eat/digest dinner before class so I ate the PM fruit snack. I thought it wouldn't matter but obviously it did. After dinner, I needed the sweet to close out my eating day and I was totally obsessing about it.

This is gonna be a tough weekend. I'm going to NY tomorrow for a volleyball tournament in Chinatown, place of delicious and cheap food (five dumplings for a $1!!). I'm shopping, cooking and packing all my meals tonight and still have no idea what to bring. I'm staying with a friend so I'll be able to keep my dinners in the fridge but I'm clueless what to do for lunch. We'll be playing outdoors in the sun from 9am on so I'm restricted in what I can bring. Any suggestions folks?

Duh!

I didn't do yesterday's workout until 11 pm. Between volleyball practice and yoga, grocery shopping and cooking, there just wasn't enough time.

Had a revelation that seems obvious but still produced an a-ha! moment. I didn't get much sleep last night, not sure if I was too wired from the late workout. I expected to wake up feeling awful but surprisingly it's been an okay day. After morning coffee, I've been pretty alert and not feeling rundown. Is this what happens when you eat FOOD? Normally when I'm tired, I'd get coffee and a fried chicken/biscuit breakfast sandwich at Dunkin Donuts. Then I'd eat at my desk all day to keep myself awake. Had to forego all of that with the pcp. Shockingly, I haven't been tempted to put my head down or crawl underneath my desk once. 

Confession time: I didn't do so well at the potluck I went to on Saturday. I fully intended to only socialize and not eat any of the delicious fare. I had my reasons ready too for anyone that asked. (I am recovering from a stomach virus, gotta take it easy. ) I thought about bringing my own dinner but these were people I had never met before and I didn't want to be the story. But with a small apt and an exuberant host, there was no way to avoid eating a little. I didn't eat much but I didn't weigh the food. A couple of meatballs and the host's pork dish.  I'm not gonna lie - the pork was delicious but most of the stuff tasted salty. I didn't go completely off the rails. No sugar or alcohol. If I had had either one of those, that would've been the end. 

The batteries on my camera died as I was downloading them so week 2 photos are late. I wish how I looked on the outside would catch up to how I feel on the inside. It was a little disappointing not to have visible verification of the changes that are clearly going on within my body. 

day 8/real day 1 wrap

Talk about a hectic day. The equipment I bought for pullups didn't work in my door so there was a last minute scramble at lunch to get stuff. (The original pullup bar I got last week also didn't work so that's sitting in a corner waiting to be returned.) I lugged the perfect pullup home and saw that it too would not fit. As much as I love my apt, it only has ONE door and it's pretty narrow. Totally not ideal for pullups. Don't worry Mr. Landlord, I did not drill holes into the frame.

After work, I returned the perfect pullup and jammed to the gym to use one piece of equipment. I'm sure I didn't do most of our new exercises correctly. The pullups weren't real taxing. I'm pretty positive I was doing them wrong and NOT that my back muscles are just that strong. My shoulders didn't lift as high as Patrick's in the picture. I'm pretending it's because the resistance bands are still new. Hopefully, I get better at these or it's gonna be a LOOOOONG 81 days.

The diet contributed to the hectic day. I had veggies and fruit at home but no proteins or carbs. I dashed from yoga to Whole Foods so I could avert the odd combos that I had for breakfast and lunch. Dinner was pretty funny. I bought tuna nigiri from the sushi counter and removed all the sashimi from the brown rice. My pile of protein on the scale just looked sad. I'm so glad the weekend is here so I can properly shop and prep the eats.

fraidy cat

Ok, now I'm scared. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Holy moly. It's only 90 days and things will be awesome in the end but man, do I feel some trepidation. And my usual comfort activity - watching Top Chef and eating - isn't going to help.

It's not the exercises that have me afraid. (Although that's probably because my body doesn't really know what kind of beating it's about to take.) It's the diet. I'm worried about inadvertently eating the wrong thing and whether or not I can stick to the food plan. Don't get me wrong, I love vegetables and I eat a lot of them. One of my old food rules used to be that I could eat as many cookies, cakes, and candy as long as I ate my greens. But all of this is pretty hard core. I'm trying to look at the diet through a lens of abundance. It's not about what I can't have during the next 83 days. It's the mindset of I get to eat so many things I love - apples, pineapple, grapes, arugula, broccoli, etc.

Holiday weekends are always tricky. You end up gorging and eating way more than normal and exercise usually takes a back seat. I'm proud to say I got the workouts done despite pleas from friends to join them earlier.

I was at a bbq for eight hours yesterday and had four drinks. That amount is far fewer than previous 4th of July bashes but my body felt pretty polluted. Social gatherings are going to be a challenge during the pcp. If the food is in front of me, I'll definitely eat it. I only ate half a burger and a salad but I picked at the grilled veggies and other snacks (most of them healthy) even though I wasn't really hungry. I couldn't really reconcile eating only half an asparagus spear so I ate the whole thing. Same thing with the watermelon which is awesome during a hot summer day. How do you only eat half a slice?

Did anyone else groan inwardly when they saw the subtle increase in our exercise sets and jumps? I could do crunches forever but push-ups are brutal.

Is anyone else mortified? Or feeling a little exposed? When I signed up for the pcp, I knew PUBLIC accountability would be a big part of meeting my goals. But still. It’s a little disconcerting having your photos available for all to see. I kinda like anonymity.

The first day wasn’t too bad. I don’t think I’ll be doing any of the workouts after bikram yoga anymore. Everything felt a little wobbly. Jumping rope isn't anything like elementary school. I whacked my legs on the 14th jump of each set. And I hit the cat on the very first swing.

Half portions haven’t really tripped me up too much. This is probably because I eat WAY MORE than I need everyday. Of course I haven't gotten to the desert part of my day. Thank goodness we're being eased into this.